A Change is In the Air
A change that's long overdue frankly. I'm about to get pretty personal here...
Lately, I've been feeling like I'm not myself. I put on a persona that I think will work for me, that I think other people will like and accept. But it's not making me happy. I spend ridiculous amounts of money of clothes and shoes to complete my persona but that doesn't work either. Instead, I come home with a bag of stuff that I just throw on the floor. I have horrible envious feelings about people who are more successful than me at work, writing them off and trying to think of nefarious ways they got that way. I do things that I think an ambitious young (ish) woman with big goals should do. None of this is helping.
This year, I've been lucky enough to spend a few fall weekends in the woods with the most wonderful people I have ever met. Some are very new friends, practically strangers even. Some are lifelong friends who know me truly. And I feel happy, accepted. I feel like I have the space to be myself and I give myself the permission to be myself. What a gift that has been to me.
I've also been reading Brene Brown's book: The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. I relate completely to the author. She's a reformed perfectionist who spent years "trying on" different personaes the way most people change outfits. I was talking to my mom last night and telling her about the book and that the fear of shame is the worst thing ever for a perfectionist and she said, "oh god, that's always been a big thing for you. Remember when you were a kid and you were in musicals? You thought that you were washed up as an artist at age 13 because you hadn't been discovered yet." I never stopped feeling that way. Now I'm about to slam into a big milestone and I just want to stop it here and now.
Before you start with the "self help! Really Kayte?", I say: get over yourself. And I speak as someone who really needed to get over herself.
I'm sure there are so many people out there who relate, who spend so much time fighting rather than "leaning into" their true selves. My friend Colleen Attara said recently that she was going to "try to seek the path of least resistance and stop pushing herself so hard." That's an important message for me, for everyone.
So what do I do about all this? A few things:
I am going to be much more thoughtful about where my money goes.
I am going to be more thoughtful about where I spend my time and who I spend my time with.
I am going to try to be a more open-hearted person with myself and others: I will ask for help when I need it and offer help in exchange.
I am going to look for ways to simplify my life physically and emotionally: to take that path of least resistance, to find pleasure in ordinary moments, spend more time with friends and family, play more, agonize less.
This blog isn't about to beome a self-help blog but I wanted to share since, I'm trying to break down some walls and all. Feel free to share too.